unsure....

i don't know what to do. i keep getting so easily frustrated with people and i don't know why. i have prayed to god to help me and nothing is doing it. i was doing pretty good this week then last night it all went to pot. i no longer know what to do. i don't want to lose friends over something like this but knowing my luck i will.

i guess i am just tired of being second best. that is what it really felt like last night. and you know i can't help it. i know i am probably not but that is what it really feels like. their is only one person i really don't feel that with and he is kind of dense. lol. but i love him anyways. and i mean i understand i am not always number one. i don't want to be but for once the people who say they are my best friends....i guess i just wish that for once it would seem that way. it always feels like their is someone better that they want to be with and that i was the second choice. like they didn't have anything better to do, no better offers came up for them. but i guess that is life. too bad it couldn't be a little easier and way easier to understand because right now i am so confused about what to do. i don't know what god wants me to do and for once i wish my mom would show she loved me instead of yelling and giving me cash. i do want a mother. not someone i see every couple of days and sometimes have a conversation with.

i don't know. i just don't want to be so unsure of everything anymore. and im being random but i got to get my thoughts out somehow and this is how i guess i will do it. maybe you will read it and maybe you won't but oh well. love you all.

torn

this is what happens when i get to much time alone to think and process things and i have something to write on. i wrote this he saturday right before school got out in the morning. i thought it sounded good in my head., but of course you all can't here it sung because i can't sing.....lol. hope you like it.



Torn

we had been friends forever
and as long as i could remember
you had my heart
you were the first guy i really liked
and one day
you liked me back

it was an amazing feeling
being with you
it was great for awhile
but things came crashing
down around me

i gave you my heart
you took it away
and when you gave it back again
it was torn into pieces

i didn't know what to do
i didn't know what to say
all i could do was cry
because the pain just wouldn't go away
i felt so lost and so alone
all because of you

i gave you my heart
you took it away
and when i got it back again
it was torn into pieces

can things ever be the same
can they ever go back to normal
because i will always love you
but you would never love me

i gave you my heart
you took it away
and when i got it back again
it was torn into pieces

i gave you my heart
you took it away
and when i got it back again
it was torn into pieces

it was torn into pieces

you had torn it
to pieces......


by monica jenks

grrr

guess i should just be patient. i should have just listened to myself becuse i got an email tonight and everything seems fine. it was just finals and all that stuff. I GET TO SEE HIM ON FRIDAY!!!!! i am really happy. need to go study. ttyl.

stressed and thoughtful

well we ended up getting back together and let me just say that i was thrilled beyond belief. i mean i have liked him forever and you know i thought this meant that everything was perfect and things were now going to go great. you know everyone hits bumps in the road and all of that kind of stuff so i just thought that was what it was. i have enough trust him to believe that he does truly care.

but if i trust him so much then how come i hold so much doubt. i know tyler i mean i think i do. he wouldn't just go back out with me because he would do it because he actually cared....wouldn't he? i mean since we talked saturday night he has barely said anything to me does that mean i was wrong and i didn't know him as well as i thought and
that i should have listened to what everyone else was saying. or does it mean that since it was finals week and i should give him the benifit of the doubt. i guess i am waiting it out hoping that finals is all. i mean i did tell him i didn't expect to hear from him everyday and to see him every weekend but do i not get anything. nothing at all. i guess tat is what i agreed to so i should just live with it. i guess we will see how the next week turns out. summer starts and we are off to camp. cross my fingers and hope is all i can do now.

JERKS

so all guys are jerks. every guy i ever date likes someone else or they are just pathetic. for example...this last weekend my boyfriend was acting odd but i didn't really think anything about it until sunday night so monday morning i sent him a text and he told my friends he was going to call me that night. so last night i get a im from him and he said that he didn't want to ruin our friendship and that it wasn't me it was him and that he was worried what would happen if we didn't break up now and then he said that he loved me...but only as a friend. and then he said that he was sorry things had to turn out this way and he know i am probably hurt and sad and he is sorry. so i was in tears and i said i had to go because i couldn't stop crying and my mom noticed that something was wrong so i left. then later when i signed on there was a message from him saying that he is sorry and that he hopes i find someone to love soon.

lets just say i got like no sleep last night and my eyes were so wet this morning that make-up wouldn't stay on. it was just a ad day in general. i don't know what he broke up with me but he said he was going to call me tonight and tell me but he said he was going to do that last night and he didn't even have the guts to do that. i mean seriously he couldn't atleast call he had to take (as cumpston put it) the pathetic way out. you know that almost hurt more. we have been friends for so long but he can't even call you know that akes me feel like crap.

but one of the hardest things to deal with i think was the fact that i have liked him for so long. i think it has been on and off for about 4 years. you know how you think you might have found that one....well thats how it was for me but apprentally i was wrong. guys just suck. (well i will excuse evan from this, he doesn't count)

i guess the one thing i wish after all of this is that i didn't still love him. even though he doesn't want to be together i still atleast want to be his friend. if that is all i can get then that works for me....and at the same time i feel like that i should just treat him like crap and ignore him. who knows what will happen. guess we will know this weekend.

but i am going to go for now because this is just making me feel bad writing this. maybe one day i will be enough for a guy.