Sick

I hate being sick. It has been a really long time since Ihave been this sick. I missed some school today and it was really nice to sleep in, but I hate trying to get caught up later. It sucks. Luckily I made it in for Calculus and Ap Bio.

Hmm let me see. Not a whole lot is going on in my life. I am trying to eat healthier and work out more. I am not happy with how I look and I decided that the only way to change that was to do something about it. It kind of sucks though, making sure you don't eat too much of the things that taste really good....and eating more vegetables. lol. I had a guy ask me out on a date but I am so confused about my feelings on two guys right now that I didn't want to deal with anything else. I need to get my life sorted out before I can think about anything else.

I miss my friends that our at college. It is weird because I see on facebook all the I miss you and want you to come visit me messages and so on and I realized I don't get any of these. I guess that is life but it still sucks. I got a few of my college apps done, but now I have to finish everything else that go with it. It is kind of a disgusting process. I also need to get all of the scholarship stuff done and filled out.

So yeah that was really boring and now I am going to go study for my AP Bio test because I have been putting that off for a while. Well love you all.

Monica

tonight

well i had a blast tonight. aaron, matt, and bob came over. we went to dinner at the tangent harvest festival, which is an adventure all on its own, and then we went four wheeling and watched she's the man.
i had a great time with them. it is so relaxing and laid back and i love that. i don't have to worry about anything because they love me for me and except me for what i am. it is hard though because i am the only girl when i hang out with them so going out on the four wheelers and stuff i probably play a little harder then i should. as of right now the whole right side of my arm is num due to stinging neddles, but it was totally worth it.
this blog is all over the place because that is usually what my mind it doing. i am going to have to figure out what to do. it is wierd liking a guy and not caring what steve does anymore. i was realizing how i just don't think about him anymore. he doesn't cross my mind anymore. it is actually really nice, and in other ways completely confusing because it means that i am starting to be happy with myself and not care anymore. which i know is good but it is still a bit wierd.
too bad the guy lives in albany. i seem to be attracted to guys that don't live close. haha it is either because the guys at my school are stupid or i just am attracted to those corny small town boys. lol. well i am going to go try and get some sleep before church tomorrow. night all who might read this.

monica

it has been a very long time

wow....it has been more then a year and a half....reading my old blogs i feel so stupid and immature...well such is life. we live and we learn and we grow. i am now a senior, which is pretty sweet. hasn't really sunk in yet but thats okay. i am leaving for camp tomorrow so i am going to hit the hay but i will try and remember to write some later.

monica

hmm....

so i have been dating this great guy for a little more then a month now and i can't believe how perfect everything has been. i mean yes he gave me the flu but that is life for you. but things are just great. for once a guy actually cares about me for me. it doesn't seem like i have to try hard to make things work. it just seems to work. you know he takes me out, he comes up to visit me, he wants to know what i am thinking, and for once someone seems to really care. i just wish there was more i could do for him. it seems like i am never do enough and he does so much. i just wish i could do more for him.

he is just more then i could imagine. i just can't believe him. he frustrates me constantly, yet i can't get him out of my head. he does so many little things that are sweet. and i don't think he realizes it half the time. but i don't know. i am just kind of rambling on right now. but i don't know. he is just amazing and i needed to say that. but that is all for now. good night.

life

so basically life just sucks in general right now. i mean why do some people have to be so frustrating. i am tired of being called names, i am tired of always having to defend myself, i am tired of fighting for what i want, and i am tired of being rejected.

i know that things will get better eventually but i don't know how much longer i can wait. i want to know what is wrong with my mom. i want the docotors to find something. i want people to stop saying stuff about me behind my back that isn't true because i don't need it.

i want to be with steve and i don't want to have to always fight for it. i want him to want it too. i don't want to be rejected then picked back up again when he feels like it. for once i just want a guy to like me for me and for who i am. but apprentally that is too much to ask for. i guess i just need to lower my dreams. i don't know if there is a guy out there that can do that. i guess for once i just want to be asked what my opinion is on something. i don't need people to make up my mind for me. i know what i want. i just wish that i could accomplish or find it for once. I just want to be able to make up my own mind on things. i am not a child anymore. even when i was one people were not there to help me and that is when i needed someone to tell me what to do. now i can figure a lot out for myself. and if i need help i will ask someone. but right now i just need things to smooth out. i am going to stay friends with him because i can't lose him. he is one of my best friends and i need him. and i will just have to live with the fact that he is going to be just a friend and nothing more. i just wish that for once things would go the way i want. but it looks like that time isn't now.

love is like war...easy to start, hard to end, impossible to forget

so things went from good to crap in about ten minutes. i mean i seriously don't get it. on top of having my mom being sick and things not going great with my dad i have guy problems. i mean what is it with me. i pick htese guys that are so sweet and care and seem great and then they turn around and beat the ever loving day-lights out of me. i don't know how much more i can take. i mean i really cared about tyler and things with him were good then out of no where he breaks up with me because he isn't ready for a serious relationship. just took him four months to figure that out. and it took some time but i got over it. then i had some little fling just because i could then things seemed great.

so i met this guy a little more then a year ago at young life camp and he was great. he was funny and sweet and just great. but he was almost three years older and why would he like me. i was just a pathetic freshman. so i just gave up and instead got a really good friend. things were great he was there for me a lot. even after i moved he made sure we stayed in contact.

so about a month ago things started to change from friendly to flirty. and i found out he liked me and i told him i liked him and we eventually got together until this weekend where he pulls a total guy thing and tries to make it look like he is ending the relationship for my benefit. i mean he could be but for some reason there is a lot of doubt from me. especially since later i find out it is because he doesn't want to have to hold back around other girls. seriously it is taking a lot of my energy to not just drop him but for some reason i care and i want a friendship with him. even if that is all i get out of it is a friendship. i have got to have him in my life. he just matters to me a lot and no matter how badly i want more i am not going to push it because i don't want to push him away. he told me once to fight for what i want....but as much as i want to fight for this i don't know if i can. i don't know if i can take much more rejection and i don't know if my heart can handle much more pain. but i guess i will just have to wait and see what happens.

undying love

so tonight i was watched the notebook. and i cried like i always do whenever i watch it. but that is not the point. so the whole time i was watching i kept wishing i had what Noah and Allie have. They love each other so much and so deeply that no matter what happens they will never forget the other one.

he loves her so much that he would never give up hope that she would come back to him. she followed their dreams. they loved each other so much that even though her parents didn't want them together they fought there way back to each other. and when she starts to forget everything he still wants to be with her. because he loves her that much and he doesn't want to leave her even if she doesn't remember him.

who doesn't want love like that? i want to have that so bad. i want someone that i cannot stop thinking about. who i love completely and wholeheartedly, and who i cannot imagine spending a day without. but i will wait for the day when it hits me that this is the guy i want. that this is the guy i want to spend the rest of my life with. that this is the guy that i cannot let go of. i just hope that everyone can find love like that if they want it. because everyone deserves to be loved.