life

so basically life just sucks in general right now. i mean why do some people have to be so frustrating. i am tired of being called names, i am tired of always having to defend myself, i am tired of fighting for what i want, and i am tired of being rejected.

i know that things will get better eventually but i don't know how much longer i can wait. i want to know what is wrong with my mom. i want the docotors to find something. i want people to stop saying stuff about me behind my back that isn't true because i don't need it.

i want to be with steve and i don't want to have to always fight for it. i want him to want it too. i don't want to be rejected then picked back up again when he feels like it. for once i just want a guy to like me for me and for who i am. but apprentally that is too much to ask for. i guess i just need to lower my dreams. i don't know if there is a guy out there that can do that. i guess for once i just want to be asked what my opinion is on something. i don't need people to make up my mind for me. i know what i want. i just wish that i could accomplish or find it for once. I just want to be able to make up my own mind on things. i am not a child anymore. even when i was one people were not there to help me and that is when i needed someone to tell me what to do. now i can figure a lot out for myself. and if i need help i will ask someone. but right now i just need things to smooth out. i am going to stay friends with him because i can't lose him. he is one of my best friends and i need him. and i will just have to live with the fact that he is going to be just a friend and nothing more. i just wish that for once things would go the way i want. but it looks like that time isn't now.