things can be rough

i still don't think it has really hit yet. i mean i haven't really thrown a fit, or cried, or anything but tell some people that i was leaving. wow this has been a long week. i am typing though because it did hit me tonight. i don't think i will ever really fit in again down here. some of my friends i told them i was moving and they just completely stopped talking to me. it hurts, but i know that i will never be part of the group with my youth group friends once i leave. i won't be here for all the small things that happen and the only way i really can stay connected with them is messenger. and that doesn't mean a lot since some of them barely say anything on messenger anyways. it hasn't really set in that it is moving...or maybe it has and i am just choosing to ignore it and let it all build up. i am good at that. i think it will be bad when i see tyler. he was the only one who saw any real emotion from me and i feel bad for him if he is the one there when it does. bu i like to keep my emotions somewhat hidden. saddness is a big one. so i will probably hold it in and wait till i am alone. and i will pull myself back together like always.

but for now im just going to make the best out of this week, tomorrow david, ashley?, jake, and brianna are coming over. it should be interesting for bri. since she doesn't really know any of them. so we will see. well i am going to go. briann is here to stay the night. bye all!!

my life....

A pre-warning this is really long so be prepared.....

Well this has been an interesting week. Sunday night I found out my mom got a job in Portland. The one thing she really wanted and the one thing I had been dreading. A lot of things changed when I found that out. Things that didn't make sense now do and I never knew I could feel so many emotions at once. I told evan that night because he was online...I am not real sure what his reaction was other then I know he doesn't want me to move. Well none of my real close friends want me too. I would have to say that Tyler, David, Brianna, and Evan were the hardest people to tell. Tyler heard me cry and Evan got the first reaction to it. David was the first person that I told in person. His face...man that was hard. And Brianna, jeez that is just hard in general. I mean I know that I will be back atleast every other weekend and stuff, but still. It is hard. But those four just got to know that 70 miles doesn't mean anything. I will still harass them all to no end.

I learned a lot this week. I told myself I liked this one guy because...I don't really know. because I was confused I didn't want to have to deal with the guy I really like because it was too hard. I am really close friends with him and I don't want to lose him as a friend. But when I found out I was moving to Portland I realized that no matter what...if we were good friends he wouldn't care one way or the other. Whether he returned the feeling or not. I mean I really care about him, and I have for a couple of months. I have just always been one of those people who doesn't like to let others in, but I think I want him in. I don't know I guess I need advice on what to do. i don't know if I should take the leep or not. Even though I can say stuff I am still scared of what might happen. He is one of my really close friends. But we will see.

A lot of emotions have hit lately. Way more then I thought I could feel at one time. I have only cried once. Which I am quiet proud of myself for. I am worried that if I start I won't be able to stop. Tyler was the only person to hear me cry. I just can't let myself go. And if I do I need someone there to help me pull myself back together. I know I will be back, and I am so glad that I know that. And i know that I will be back regulalrly. I just hope that my friends will be able to remember me and I will be able to spend time with them when I am back. I need to work some things out. I hope I will still be here fpr Valentines because I know who I wanted to ask since it is Sadie Hawkins. I just hope he says yes. And that I will be here or get a visitors pass. LoL. Well we will see. I will keep you up to date as I know things. If you are reading this then I thought you were special enough to read it. I don't tell many my url....so keep it safe. lol. Well I will leave more later. Bye!!!

why me?

great..i am pretty sure i just lost one of my friends. i seem so be pretty good at that. i feel like crap and i am going to bed. i really need help now.

alone

you never know what alone feels like until your mom leaves you home by yourself all the time and pretty much forgets you except to leave food. like tonight she called me back after i left a message on her phone saying i was home. she said that she was sorry it took her so long to get back because she was doing something with ed. and that if i call tomorrow when i get home from church dont worry if she doesn't answer the phone. she is going to a movie with ed. she is going and seeing Jarhead. which i told her i really wanted to see and she said she would try and take me. yeah right, she goes with ed. she always goes with ed. she always knows how to ruin my day. makes me love my family even more.

this is a bit random

Well the last couple of days have been odd. Chelsea and Evan have been dating for awhile, but anyways Tyler, Chelsea, Evan, and Brianna all came over to my house on Friday since we had no school. Tyler and I were bored out of our minds. But Brianna, Evan, and Chelsea looked liked they had a good time. Then yesterday Bri, Chelsea, Evan, and I all went and saw Harry Potter. I had already seen it because I went at midnight to it. It was a good movie, definately my favorite of the four, but not my favorite movie in general. I just want the 7th book to come out, but that will be awhile. Then last night I was online and talking to some of my friends. I have some really strange friends. David thinks he could be a gangsta....but I don't know if he could pull it off. I was laughing with him. LoL. It was interesting. Then Brianna and I were watching trailers for POTC 2. I can't wait to see that. It looks really funny. We were really random.
But wednesday night pretty much sucked. I found out one of my "friends" invite some of my other friends to go see the Chronicles of Narnia but didn't invite me. Which is hard, especially since when I told my mom she said that it was probably my fault. She is probably right though. I don't know if I would invite myself either. But it still hurt. But when my brother in law found out about it he convinced my dad to buy tickets to the midnight show. So now I am going to that. And hopefully I will be able to go up to Portland and spend the weekend with my brother instead. Since I can't go see Chronicles with them and I am no longer going to formal. But that is life. You can't be involved in everything and you can't expect life to be easy, Even though I wish for once that things in my life would be easy. It always seem to be complicated. But I have some really great friends who have helped. And they are there for me even when I am being a pain. So hopefully it will work out. With friends like those you can't go wrong. So we will see. Well I am going to go. Hope you read through all this randomness okay.