life

so basically life just sucks in general right now. i mean why do some people have to be so frustrating. i am tired of being called names, i am tired of always having to defend myself, i am tired of fighting for what i want, and i am tired of being rejected.

i know that things will get better eventually but i don't know how much longer i can wait. i want to know what is wrong with my mom. i want the docotors to find something. i want people to stop saying stuff about me behind my back that isn't true because i don't need it.

i want to be with steve and i don't want to have to always fight for it. i want him to want it too. i don't want to be rejected then picked back up again when he feels like it. for once i just want a guy to like me for me and for who i am. but apprentally that is too much to ask for. i guess i just need to lower my dreams. i don't know if there is a guy out there that can do that. i guess for once i just want to be asked what my opinion is on something. i don't need people to make up my mind for me. i know what i want. i just wish that i could accomplish or find it for once. I just want to be able to make up my own mind on things. i am not a child anymore. even when i was one people were not there to help me and that is when i needed someone to tell me what to do. now i can figure a lot out for myself. and if i need help i will ask someone. but right now i just need things to smooth out. i am going to stay friends with him because i can't lose him. he is one of my best friends and i need him. and i will just have to live with the fact that he is going to be just a friend and nothing more. i just wish that for once things would go the way i want. but it looks like that time isn't now.

love is like war...easy to start, hard to end, impossible to forget

so things went from good to crap in about ten minutes. i mean i seriously don't get it. on top of having my mom being sick and things not going great with my dad i have guy problems. i mean what is it with me. i pick htese guys that are so sweet and care and seem great and then they turn around and beat the ever loving day-lights out of me. i don't know how much more i can take. i mean i really cared about tyler and things with him were good then out of no where he breaks up with me because he isn't ready for a serious relationship. just took him four months to figure that out. and it took some time but i got over it. then i had some little fling just because i could then things seemed great.

so i met this guy a little more then a year ago at young life camp and he was great. he was funny and sweet and just great. but he was almost three years older and why would he like me. i was just a pathetic freshman. so i just gave up and instead got a really good friend. things were great he was there for me a lot. even after i moved he made sure we stayed in contact.

so about a month ago things started to change from friendly to flirty. and i found out he liked me and i told him i liked him and we eventually got together until this weekend where he pulls a total guy thing and tries to make it look like he is ending the relationship for my benefit. i mean he could be but for some reason there is a lot of doubt from me. especially since later i find out it is because he doesn't want to have to hold back around other girls. seriously it is taking a lot of my energy to not just drop him but for some reason i care and i want a friendship with him. even if that is all i get out of it is a friendship. i have got to have him in my life. he just matters to me a lot and no matter how badly i want more i am not going to push it because i don't want to push him away. he told me once to fight for what i want....but as much as i want to fight for this i don't know if i can. i don't know if i can take much more rejection and i don't know if my heart can handle much more pain. but i guess i will just have to wait and see what happens.

undying love

so tonight i was watched the notebook. and i cried like i always do whenever i watch it. but that is not the point. so the whole time i was watching i kept wishing i had what Noah and Allie have. They love each other so much and so deeply that no matter what happens they will never forget the other one.

he loves her so much that he would never give up hope that she would come back to him. she followed their dreams. they loved each other so much that even though her parents didn't want them together they fought there way back to each other. and when she starts to forget everything he still wants to be with her. because he loves her that much and he doesn't want to leave her even if she doesn't remember him.

who doesn't want love like that? i want to have that so bad. i want someone that i cannot stop thinking about. who i love completely and wholeheartedly, and who i cannot imagine spending a day without. but i will wait for the day when it hits me that this is the guy i want. that this is the guy i want to spend the rest of my life with. that this is the guy that i cannot let go of. i just hope that everyone can find love like that if they want it. because everyone deserves to be loved.