life

so basically life just sucks in general right now. i mean why do some people have to be so frustrating. i am tired of being called names, i am tired of always having to defend myself, i am tired of fighting for what i want, and i am tired of being rejected.

i know that things will get better eventually but i don't know how much longer i can wait. i want to know what is wrong with my mom. i want the docotors to find something. i want people to stop saying stuff about me behind my back that isn't true because i don't need it.

i want to be with steve and i don't want to have to always fight for it. i want him to want it too. i don't want to be rejected then picked back up again when he feels like it. for once i just want a guy to like me for me and for who i am. but apprentally that is too much to ask for. i guess i just need to lower my dreams. i don't know if there is a guy out there that can do that. i guess for once i just want to be asked what my opinion is on something. i don't need people to make up my mind for me. i know what i want. i just wish that i could accomplish or find it for once. I just want to be able to make up my own mind on things. i am not a child anymore. even when i was one people were not there to help me and that is when i needed someone to tell me what to do. now i can figure a lot out for myself. and if i need help i will ask someone. but right now i just need things to smooth out. i am going to stay friends with him because i can't lose him. he is one of my best friends and i need him. and i will just have to live with the fact that he is going to be just a friend and nothing more. i just wish that for once things would go the way i want. but it looks like that time isn't now.

love is like war...easy to start, hard to end, impossible to forget

so things went from good to crap in about ten minutes. i mean i seriously don't get it. on top of having my mom being sick and things not going great with my dad i have guy problems. i mean what is it with me. i pick htese guys that are so sweet and care and seem great and then they turn around and beat the ever loving day-lights out of me. i don't know how much more i can take. i mean i really cared about tyler and things with him were good then out of no where he breaks up with me because he isn't ready for a serious relationship. just took him four months to figure that out. and it took some time but i got over it. then i had some little fling just because i could then things seemed great.

so i met this guy a little more then a year ago at young life camp and he was great. he was funny and sweet and just great. but he was almost three years older and why would he like me. i was just a pathetic freshman. so i just gave up and instead got a really good friend. things were great he was there for me a lot. even after i moved he made sure we stayed in contact.

so about a month ago things started to change from friendly to flirty. and i found out he liked me and i told him i liked him and we eventually got together until this weekend where he pulls a total guy thing and tries to make it look like he is ending the relationship for my benefit. i mean he could be but for some reason there is a lot of doubt from me. especially since later i find out it is because he doesn't want to have to hold back around other girls. seriously it is taking a lot of my energy to not just drop him but for some reason i care and i want a friendship with him. even if that is all i get out of it is a friendship. i have got to have him in my life. he just matters to me a lot and no matter how badly i want more i am not going to push it because i don't want to push him away. he told me once to fight for what i want....but as much as i want to fight for this i don't know if i can. i don't know if i can take much more rejection and i don't know if my heart can handle much more pain. but i guess i will just have to wait and see what happens.

undying love

so tonight i was watched the notebook. and i cried like i always do whenever i watch it. but that is not the point. so the whole time i was watching i kept wishing i had what Noah and Allie have. They love each other so much and so deeply that no matter what happens they will never forget the other one.

he loves her so much that he would never give up hope that she would come back to him. she followed their dreams. they loved each other so much that even though her parents didn't want them together they fought there way back to each other. and when she starts to forget everything he still wants to be with her. because he loves her that much and he doesn't want to leave her even if she doesn't remember him.

who doesn't want love like that? i want to have that so bad. i want someone that i cannot stop thinking about. who i love completely and wholeheartedly, and who i cannot imagine spending a day without. but i will wait for the day when it hits me that this is the guy i want. that this is the guy i want to spend the rest of my life with. that this is the guy that i cannot let go of. i just hope that everyone can find love like that if they want it. because everyone deserves to be loved.

live laugh love

so today i was coming back from a band field trip and i was thinking. i just need to relax and live life. things are not going to go perfectly and i cannot change other people. but i can work at changing myself. i can try to be the better person and i can try to be a happier person. i mean look at all i have going for me. i have a family and good friends, an education, a roof over my head, i live in a free country, i have an amazing boyfriend, and i have cloths on my back.

i am who i want to be and i just need to decide who i want that to be. i can't make someone else change. if they don't like me for what i am why should i change for them? i am who i am. and i have good days and bad days just like anybody else. and yes i know i need to try and be more positive and i need to be better about change but i am going to work on that. i just hope that all the stupid rumors and everything else will stop. i especially hope that things will just get better in general. i am ready for things to go smooth for once.

the human race

why are we such selfish beings. all we do is sit and complain about everything that is wrong with us. but a lot of us have roofs over our heads, food on the table, cloths on our backs, and other little things. things we take for granted everyday. there are people out there who cannot eat by themsleves. there are people out there that cannot talk, or see, or hear. there are babies born everyday who didn't choose to have a drug addict for a mother or to be mentally retarded. but for some reason we cannot find the time to help other less fortunate then us.

why is that? we have so much yet we can not give up a little of our time. we can't give up some of our money, we cannot do anything at all. people will say that those who can't take care of themselves got what they deserved but no one desrves that. if they made stupid decisions that led to them having nothing then it does become their fault. they had the choice. but those born to abusives families, those born in poor countries, those who lose everything because of war or dictators do deserve love. they deserve someone to care about them. they need someone to care about them and realize they exist. we are a race built on feeling. none of us like to be lonely. we want someone to take the time to notice us. we want someone to ask us how we are doing. so thik about that next time you make fun of someone or the next time you want someone to care for you. because you have to care for someone else for them to care about you.

Buy A Dog They Will Always Like You

Why do guys have to be so stupid? But yet they can be so sweet. I don't get it anymore. I am tired of this, of letting guys in and then being hurt. I just do not know how much more of it I can take. But then today I was watching last week's Grey's Anatomy episode that I had recorded and the ending really hit home for me. I know that Andrew can hurt me again. I know that he might do it. But i like him. For once I feel special and cared about. I always struggled with Tyler. My other relationships...I was young....I still am but I have lost a lot of that imaturity. Tyler ripped my heart to shreds and I thought I would never get over that, but I was starting too. Someone cared. Someone I didn't know. Our relationship was fun and laid back. For the first time I wasn't trying to figure out how everything would work. I was just living in the moment and enjoying my life. Enjoying being with someone and having a good time. The only problem was that it seemed like no one wanted us together. People were telling us from both sides to break up. Do you know how hard that is? How it is almost impossible to not listen to it a little, especially when more then one person is telling you that?

I cannot make him like me and I am not going to try to. But I cannot give up on him yet either because for some reason I believe in him. I believe he still cares and because of that it is enough for me to hold on. I know in the end I will learn something from this. I will be stronger and hopefully more sure of myself. Right now all I can say is that I am very confused. I want to be with him and get to know him. Then again I can't stop thinking that he is just a player and is just doing this because that is what guys like him do. So you can kind of see my dilemma. Do I trust him....do I take a chace and give him a second chace? Or do I leave him in the dust....and hurt like hell?

adam and eve

So this is what i want to know, if the world was once perfect does that mean we didn't feel pain? Does that mean that love didn't have to hurt? If so then man do i want to have a word with Adam and Eve when i get to heaven.

My heart is still in pieces because of love leaving me with pand and hurt. I am afraid to let go because there is a chance he might still care and if I move on I could be losing something great. But moving on means that i can trust someone else not to hurt me, only problem is that my trust issues were pretty much shot last time. So I don't know if i can stand that either.

I said I wouldn't cry over him anymore but I miss him but I don't like him anymore....if that makes any sense. But somedays there is no ache over everything that has happened while other days, like today, I cannot get him out of my head and I miss what was, when things were simple.

So why did Adam and Eve have to eat from the tree. I mean my live would be so much easier. Because now all i feal is an ache inside of me.

mo

school sucks!!!

well so much for being excited about going back to school. so far it has pretty much sucked. lol. well i guess that would be school for you. and i guess excited would be the wrong word. i was excited to be able to see my friends up here....school i so didn't want to go back too. but now i could really care less about the people too. they aren't how i remember them. ever since the new freshman have showed up everything has gone to pot.

but i guess that would be my life. oh well. crap seems to happen in my life. you start to get used to it after awhile. but on the positive side i have met some really great new people. alyssa is in my band class and during the football game last weekend she introduced me to a bunch of her friends and they are great. i have alyssa and billy in my spanish class which makes spanish pretty dang fun....whoa that was something i thought i would never say. anyways...i have some really good classes with great teachers and some crappy classes because the teachers are...not so great. but you can't get all the good teachers because that wouldn't be fair.

well i got a lot on my mind so i am going to go write for a little while. if anyone reads this i love you. take care of yourself

mo

wow...its been awhile

first of all i am really sorry that i haven't updated in a long time. there has just been a lot going on. this summer has been really hard for me but in a good way. it has been pretty amazing. who knew that when everything goes wrong you can find good in it. God is so amazing. somehow he made everything okay for me. i have had some great friends this summer that have been amazing for me. they have been there for me when i really need them and of course my brother. he always a phone call away, no matter what he is there.

it has been a rough couple of months. the guy i thought was the love of my life broke my heart...into many many pieces. i am surprised i didn't get dehydrated because i cried so much. who knew one person could have so many tears. but surprisingly now i am somewhat happy. between my tyler and my dad and everything else that has gone wrong this summer i have learned that there is always some good. one of my friends from albany has pretty much texted me everyday and we have gotten together several times to hang out and watch movies and i have to say i love him for that. and then there are my church friends, they have been great and i owe them so much. if it wasn't for them i think i would have crawled into a pretty dark place.

but as for guys i have decided they make better friends then boyfriends at this age because most of them tend to be way to imature to have a relationship. unless i find that one guy that i think truly cares and will make an effort and i am willing to do the same i am okay being single. it is almost nice. lol. but we will see how things go. because right now i need to focus a little more on fixing myself before i can try dealing with a relationship and doing all the the things that make it work.

but other then that, things are a lot better now. school is about to start.....YUCKY!!!!.....but atleast i will get to see all the crazy people i go to school with. i am kind of excited to see what my classes are like. hopefully they will be okay. i really don't want to get stuck in some horrible class with a bad teacher. cause i seem to have that luck. lol. but now i have updated and so now you can comment me. love ya all

broken heart

George Benard Shaw once wrote there are two tradgedies in life. One is to lose your hearts desire. The other is to gain it.

you know the feeling where you know something bad is going to happen and then when it does you still have a broken heart. that is pretty much how i feel. like these past couple days tyler has been acting kind of strange and i wasn't sure if it was just something going on at home or something between us. so yesterday i asked if we could just talk for a little bit after vbs and he said sure. about the time the kids have snack we were in the office and he told me that things were just simpler when we were friends and he wasn't really ready for a serious relationship right now. and i said well you know you are going to have to deal with complicated sometime and left before he could see me cry.

but being the person that i am later i went up to him and gave him a hug and said i really did want to stay friends and i hoped he did too and then things were okay. but it still hurt. it hurt really bad because for the past 4 years i have basically liked him except for a couple months here and there. so it really hurt because i finally decided to open up my heart to him and he broke into the tiniest pieces that he could.

the good thing is i have some great friends. steve has been calling me and texting me non stop and evan, brianna, and lara have been great. i don't know what i would do without such good friends. i know that things will get better because everybody keeps telling me that but it sure doesn't feel like it write now.

we all need to have a little faith

well let me just say that things have been kind of stressful here. i have been really confused about a lot of different things lately. my dad and i have been fighting a lot and i would love more then anything to live back in albany so i could be close to my friends, but i couldn't do that to my mom and i am positive i could not live with my dad.

that isn't the only things that has been going on. i am really confised about myself. every time i get close to someone i close myself up and i don't want to open up completely. and it is really hard because i want to but for some reason i can never feel like i can completely trust them. i am so tired of having secrets and i really miss my brother because i never did have to have secrets, i would always just talk to him. we used to always just go out to eat and see a movie or rent a bunch of movies and just hang out and talk but ever since he finished school and started his full time job neither one of us can find the time for the other one. i guess it wasn't so much trust for each other but the fact that we understood each other. we knew what the other was going through.

i guess i just wish for once that guys would be more then you expect of them. there are very few who are. i mean i think i can trust one or that it is going to be different and it really isn't. for some reason it seems like every guys will always just be that....another guy. i know some really great guys but it seems like there are so few that how are we ever going to be able to find one that we can love and be happy with who won't completely break our hearts. and the sad thing is that even when they are breaking our hearts we won't let them go. we rather have those rare moments where they do care about us then not have them at all.

i love my boyfriend and he is one of the few people i can trust. and sometimes he is just like all the other guys...but he is a teenager and i give him a break because he does care about me. i guess it is just hard to hear about people you know and how their love for each other just fell apart. especially when it seems like it is happening all around you. it makes you think how do i know that this relationship i have is going to be any different. and i guess in the end we all just have to have faith.

mj

unsure....

i don't know what to do. i keep getting so easily frustrated with people and i don't know why. i have prayed to god to help me and nothing is doing it. i was doing pretty good this week then last night it all went to pot. i no longer know what to do. i don't want to lose friends over something like this but knowing my luck i will.

i guess i am just tired of being second best. that is what it really felt like last night. and you know i can't help it. i know i am probably not but that is what it really feels like. their is only one person i really don't feel that with and he is kind of dense. lol. but i love him anyways. and i mean i understand i am not always number one. i don't want to be but for once the people who say they are my best friends....i guess i just wish that for once it would seem that way. it always feels like their is someone better that they want to be with and that i was the second choice. like they didn't have anything better to do, no better offers came up for them. but i guess that is life. too bad it couldn't be a little easier and way easier to understand because right now i am so confused about what to do. i don't know what god wants me to do and for once i wish my mom would show she loved me instead of yelling and giving me cash. i do want a mother. not someone i see every couple of days and sometimes have a conversation with.

i don't know. i just don't want to be so unsure of everything anymore. and im being random but i got to get my thoughts out somehow and this is how i guess i will do it. maybe you will read it and maybe you won't but oh well. love you all.

torn

this is what happens when i get to much time alone to think and process things and i have something to write on. i wrote this he saturday right before school got out in the morning. i thought it sounded good in my head., but of course you all can't here it sung because i can't sing.....lol. hope you like it.



Torn

we had been friends forever
and as long as i could remember
you had my heart
you were the first guy i really liked
and one day
you liked me back

it was an amazing feeling
being with you
it was great for awhile
but things came crashing
down around me

i gave you my heart
you took it away
and when you gave it back again
it was torn into pieces

i didn't know what to do
i didn't know what to say
all i could do was cry
because the pain just wouldn't go away
i felt so lost and so alone
all because of you

i gave you my heart
you took it away
and when i got it back again
it was torn into pieces

can things ever be the same
can they ever go back to normal
because i will always love you
but you would never love me

i gave you my heart
you took it away
and when i got it back again
it was torn into pieces

i gave you my heart
you took it away
and when i got it back again
it was torn into pieces

it was torn into pieces

you had torn it
to pieces......


by monica jenks

grrr

guess i should just be patient. i should have just listened to myself becuse i got an email tonight and everything seems fine. it was just finals and all that stuff. I GET TO SEE HIM ON FRIDAY!!!!! i am really happy. need to go study. ttyl.

stressed and thoughtful

well we ended up getting back together and let me just say that i was thrilled beyond belief. i mean i have liked him forever and you know i thought this meant that everything was perfect and things were now going to go great. you know everyone hits bumps in the road and all of that kind of stuff so i just thought that was what it was. i have enough trust him to believe that he does truly care.

but if i trust him so much then how come i hold so much doubt. i know tyler i mean i think i do. he wouldn't just go back out with me because he would do it because he actually cared....wouldn't he? i mean since we talked saturday night he has barely said anything to me does that mean i was wrong and i didn't know him as well as i thought and
that i should have listened to what everyone else was saying. or does it mean that since it was finals week and i should give him the benifit of the doubt. i guess i am waiting it out hoping that finals is all. i mean i did tell him i didn't expect to hear from him everyday and to see him every weekend but do i not get anything. nothing at all. i guess tat is what i agreed to so i should just live with it. i guess we will see how the next week turns out. summer starts and we are off to camp. cross my fingers and hope is all i can do now.

JERKS

so all guys are jerks. every guy i ever date likes someone else or they are just pathetic. for example...this last weekend my boyfriend was acting odd but i didn't really think anything about it until sunday night so monday morning i sent him a text and he told my friends he was going to call me that night. so last night i get a im from him and he said that he didn't want to ruin our friendship and that it wasn't me it was him and that he was worried what would happen if we didn't break up now and then he said that he loved me...but only as a friend. and then he said that he was sorry things had to turn out this way and he know i am probably hurt and sad and he is sorry. so i was in tears and i said i had to go because i couldn't stop crying and my mom noticed that something was wrong so i left. then later when i signed on there was a message from him saying that he is sorry and that he hopes i find someone to love soon.

lets just say i got like no sleep last night and my eyes were so wet this morning that make-up wouldn't stay on. it was just a ad day in general. i don't know what he broke up with me but he said he was going to call me tonight and tell me but he said he was going to do that last night and he didn't even have the guts to do that. i mean seriously he couldn't atleast call he had to take (as cumpston put it) the pathetic way out. you know that almost hurt more. we have been friends for so long but he can't even call you know that akes me feel like crap.

but one of the hardest things to deal with i think was the fact that i have liked him for so long. i think it has been on and off for about 4 years. you know how you think you might have found that one....well thats how it was for me but apprentally i was wrong. guys just suck. (well i will excuse evan from this, he doesn't count)

i guess the one thing i wish after all of this is that i didn't still love him. even though he doesn't want to be together i still atleast want to be his friend. if that is all i can get then that works for me....and at the same time i feel like that i should just treat him like crap and ignore him. who knows what will happen. guess we will know this weekend.

but i am going to go for now because this is just making me feel bad writing this. maybe one day i will be enough for a guy.

INVINCIBLE

you don't know how precious life is until something traumatic happens. as teenagers we seem to thing we are invincible but we aren't. i have a friend who i did high jump with this year. she is an amazing person and is a senior at my school. last night her seven year old brother was playing outside and when the ball got away form him he went running after it. but at that exact moment the neighbor was backing out and didn't see him. he died. this year hasn't been the best year in the way of deaths. the hard thing about this is that i didn't just know her. i knew her little brother. after i was done high jumping i would sit with him and we would talk and watch his sister high jump. i guess life is much more fragile then we thought. i guess i was just writing this so that everyone that reads this will remember to live every day to the fullest and be glad you made it through another day because you don't know what day is going to be your last.

on a much more positive note tyler and i have been going out for two months today. just thought i would let you all know.

lost

i keep reading all of my friends blogs and they seem so in depth. i almost feel selfish at times because i just talk about my problems. though sometimes i feel that this is the only way i can express myself because then i don't have to worry about saying it outloud.

things have been so messed up lately. i didn't know what lonely was until my parents started using me to get back at the other one. it really hurts. it seems like sometimes no one cares. i love being able to help people, but for once i wish that someone could help me, save me from all of the problems. i don't know what to do anymore. i have met a couple of really great people at west linn, but they aren't brianna or tyler or evan. i can't forget them. though sometimes it seems like they have forgotten me and i don't blame them. it has to be hard for them holding on when i live 70 some miles away. i guess that is partly why i was so shocked when tyler asked me out. it was so something i didn't expect. i didn't think he would ever do that and i didn't think he would especially after i moved. it was just so out of the blue, but it has been so great.

for the first time in a long time i feel safe. he makes me feel safe and beautiful and cared about. all of my close friends love me, and i think if it wasn't for them i would have lost my mind. things have been so screwy up here that withought the craziness of ty, bri, evan, chels, terrell, and cam i would have just fallen into myself. but i am trying and for now that is the best i can do. well now that i am starting to feel a bit better i just want all of those out there that i love and hang out with i am always here for you when you need me. i never want you to think that i don't care because i always will. just please don't forget about me during the process.

mo

long time no see

so i know it has been awhile since i wrote. lets just say life has been hectic. between school, track, homeowrk, and going to albany i have been busy. but i like going to albany and track is pretty fun.

anyways lets see update. i despise school. i still don't feel like i fit in. it is really hard and the school is so different. the atmosphere is so uptight and rich kid like that it is just wierd. the school isn't as mixed as west and the classes are way different. and homeowrk....i have so freakin much. lol. but i love track. it is a lot of fun. i am doing high jump, 100 meters, 200 meters, and 100 meter hurdles. i am doing pretty well in all of them....not great but pretty good.

albany....what can i say. i miss my boyfriend like crazy. i miss being able to hang with my friends all the time. but i guess i will survive for now. this last weekend my mom gave me a ride to salem and i got a ride the rest of the way down with ty and his dad. we had movie night at the church and we watched the chornicles of narnia. there were so many people there. and the fun thing is that we got to do it in the new edition since we were finally approved to move in. so that was fun and also some people from west came. it was fun fun fun. anyways then satuday evan and his family, the turners, charlie, and i movied the into the new youth room. it took over 8 hours. it was panful. lol. but the new room is nice and it looks pretty cool now. after we finished we ate and then tyler came over and helped me with some of my math homework.

it was really funny though because we finished and we were sitting on the couch waiting for my dad to finish his shower so we could take him home and when my dad came out apprently he just looked at us ad shook his head and went upstairs. lol. it was interesting. but we got him home and then i went home and went to bed.

anyways school is long and im ready for a breakdown. i can feel it coming now it is just a matter of when. guess i better cross my fingers. things are hopfully going to get better. since i am planning on spending the whole summer in albany. i so can't wait. camp, movies, and lots of time with friends. well i am going to head to bed. night night.

i'm back

so i am back in albany fot the weekend. my school has no school today because it is the end of the quarter so i just get to hang out and do nothing like a lazy person. lol. but anyways i am about to head over to west and hang out there for the day since south won't let me come and be at their school for the day because they are STUPID!!!! but thats okay. bri said she would call me at lunch. that should be interesting.
i tried out for symphonic band yesterday and i made it. but i don't know if i really want to be in it. it seems like a lot of work and i don't think i am quite that committed. i don't know i guess i will wait and see what happens, maybe i will talk to cumpston next week. someone who can play better and wants it more should have it. not me. anyways.
tomorrow i get to see my boyfriend. that still seems so wierd to say, not that i mind saying it. lol. but i just have wanted this for awhile and it is so wierd to think that now he actually likes me. i was reading through my journal the other night and it was so odd. i started writing in it on and off in the 7th grade and now i am still using it. but more often now. i wrote so much about little things. it was almost sad but i just couldn't quite believe how much i liked him 2 years ago. i don't know. guess that is life. i am just happy thaat things have worked out the way they have. well i am going to head for west. ttyl. bye bye!

mo

p.s. I GET TO SEE MY BESTEST BUDDIES TOMORROW!!!!!

interesting field trips

so today i went to a band festical in monmouth with my class. it was actually fun. i got to miss pretty much all of school and i also didn't have to run in my track meet. i mean i really like track but my ankles have really been bothering me and im not sure i would really be able to run well. i don't know what is going on i wonder if starting point to early messed them up. guess we will find out soon. but it was fun today. tanner, corbin, and i were rocking out while listening to my iPOD when we were heading back. it was really funny. we were listening to some really random things that i have not listened to in forever. we also stole Julia's iPOD. she has some interesting things on it that almost scared me, but we listened to it anyways and i never knew i could have that fun on a band field trip. my sides hurt by the end. but it was better then i thought it would be so i guess we will see. but i really miss albany. i can't wit for tomorrow because I GET TO TAKE THE TRAIN DOWN!!!! three days hanging out with my crazy friends. that sounds like bundles of fun. and i get to see ty on saturday. :) not that i am happy about that or anything. lol. well i am going to go. love ya all.
mo

change of mind

okay so i changed my mind. if i were going to set Brianna up with anybody it would be cameron. they could have long discussions about food and live happily ever after with little korean gymnist babies. Muhahahahahaha!!! you know i love you bri. talk to you all later.

mo

p.s. im still in a good mood.

hum dee dum

so this weekend has been interesting. i did pretty much nothing on saturday except help my dad put away christmas decorations and fill up picture frames, when i should ahve been doing he. lol. but anyways, so i am now waiting to hear how tyler is doing at regionals up in seatle. Apprentally yesterday when Cameron competed he made it to nationals. So he must be pretty excitied. That doesn't happen very often. But that also means that he will be in Michigan sometimes in May. lol. That is where I want to go for a huge meet. lol. but anyways just writing becuase im bored and i miss my boyfriend. Hmm....that still seems so wierd to say. I just can't believe he asked me out. It makes me so happy. Chelsea and Evan are together and happy. Tyler and I are together. All that is left is to find Brianna a guy...i'm thinking Terrell...LOL!!! I'm kidding Brianna, i swear. lol. but we will find you a guy someday that is perfect for you. Well I'm heading out for now. Leave me a comment to let me know what oyu are thenking.

love ya
mo

*smiles*

well thigs sure do change fast. this week has really been what i needed. it has changed me so much. i have come to realize things that i didn't know before. things that i never quite understood about myself and parts of me that almost felt empty. i hate to admit thsi bt since i have moved my relationship with god has been slipping. and i know it is my fault, but this week i have come to realize a lot.

i can't make it on my own. i can try as hard as i want but that doesn't mean it is going to happen. so i have come to realize i need god in my life. i need him to help me make my decicions not make them alone. i need him to help me choose what is right and what isn't and hopefully if i just keep praying and reading my bible and staying as close to the lord as i can, i might just make it through high school. but right now i am just so happy.

this week has been so changing for me. i realized dating a mormon was a bad idea and that i had to get out of that. so guess what...i did. well lets see megan was here this week. and that was okay. i mean it was nice to see her, but i don't know so much has changed since we were last together. but this week was fun. it was the first time in awhile that i could just relax and not have to worry about every little thing going on. like on sunday after church we stayed for the anual meeting and i just got to hang out with ty and bri mainly. it was a lot of fun because we were so crazy.

then on monday brianna called and asked if she could come over and of course i said yes and then megan was talking to david and the next thing i knew david was coming over and then by the time it was dinner tyler was there too. but once bri had left and david had it was 9:30 and we needed to get tyler home. well then something strage happened, tyler held my hand. it kind of shocked me because of past events. i was like so happy yet so scared of what could happen again. but i wasn't going to get all worked up about till i figured out more.

then on tuesday night brianna stayed the night with me a megan and we tried to pull an all nighter and failed. then on wednesday morning we went and saw she's the man and got tyler and chelsea so come. and tyler held my hand again. it totally freaked me out. yet i was so stinking happy. lol. i mean why shouldn't i be. so then wednsday night we had soccer at youth group and after that ty, evan, bri, chels, megan, and I just sat and talked for awhile waiting for are rides to get going. it was fun. then yesterday nothing too exciting happened other then i went and saw 8 below with bri and megan at the pix. it was a good moviebut after that megan and i tried to pull an all nighter but i crashed about 5:30ish. Then I was up at 8 so since thursday at 9 am i have gotten 2 and a half hours of sleep. lets just say im tired. lol.

today ty, bri, evan, terrell, and megan were all here. and we hung out and tried to watch a movie, played LOTR trivial pursuit, took random pics, and went out on the gator. it was an awesome day. well it might also help that a certain someone that i was crushing on asked me out.....*smiles*. but i haven't really stopped smiling but then again it was so funny to see everyone else reactions. it made me laugh. chelsea freaked and brianna was all happy and evan was just so proud of himself because he had a small part in it. good thing i love my friends. but tonight i went and saw ice age 2 with bri, chels, and evan and ty didn't come because he is stupid. and i don't know when i will see him next so i am sad about that. but i was cracking up because after the movie we ran into some of the people chels and bri eat lunch with and they introdused them to me and evan and then bri was all can i tell them and i said sure and she was all monica and tyler are going out and then showed them pics and it was funny because tyler is going to get so much crap on monday. lol. thats what he gets for not coming.

but for now i think i am going to go. this is starting to get really random and i need to go to sleep. i am sleep deprived and the rest of the stories are for another time. i love you all. and thanks for all the support. it is so nice to know that people care. well im gonna go. night!!

mo

alone

so i have been up here for approximately five weeks. and i have to say it has been some of the lonliest weeks in my life. i don't really have anyone to talk too except for the rare times someone calls me. onle one of my friends from albany has really kept in contace with me and i thank him so much for that. i know people are busy but i didin't think i was going to be forgotten that quickly. sometimes some of my friends from school talk to me online, well i guess i should say my old school. but i hate it. i am always down, i cry a lot. and i am not proud of it. i can't wait for spring break because i get to go down to albany for the week. i think the only person that really cares is tyler. i don't know about evan, and brianna and i never talk anymore. she is either at golf or at chelsea's church or wherever. it just feels like i have lost all of the people i really care about. but i guess that is life. i wish moving was a lot easier. as i am writing this i feel selfish. there are so many people out there that have it worse off then i do. but i just can't seem to get better. i really wish i knew what to do because at the moment i feel like i am falling deeper and deeper in to a whole and i can't get out. i just need me friends back and i wish they knew how much i missed them. but right now they are so caught up in the things they have to do to really care. and i love them to death and always will, but that doesn't mean things will get any better anytime soon. all i can do is pray which i really need to do. i have been pulling myself away from the person i used to be and have become this girl who always wonders what could have been. i guess i just need to find the good things out of this situation. because it isn't going to get any better. but i have to go. break is about over. i love everyone who reads this. well atleast if you are my friend i do. maybe someone can help me one day.

living in west linn

so i have already wrote one of these but apprently my computer selelted it or i didn't save it or something. i don't know but i am going to try this again. so right now i am sitting in the library and i am supposed to be working on my bio stuff, but i have gotten bored and so i am updating this instead. i can do my homework over the weekend cause i am to lazy to do it right now.

anyways i have made it to West Linn and let me just say it has been a rough move. a lot has happened since i left albany. my mom got me signed up for band so i am taking that, and at first i was really mad about it but it has turned out for the best because that is how i have met like all of my friends. they are all band geeks and it is awesome. but i am having some troubles fitting in. i mean it isn't easy just to come in and start out in this new school and just expect to fit it. it isn't that easy and if you know me then you know i despise change, udderly despise it and think it can burn.

but anyways let me start from the beginning. i have been here for a little over 2 weeks now and my school is so much different from my old one. it is a little more then twice the size but has about the same amount of students. the school is amazing and they are remodling it so it keeps looking better and better. i now only have 6 periods and the schedule is set up really wierd, it would take me to long to explain it but i have each class 4 times a week. and i have a semester of bio and a semester of algebra 2 to catch up on. but i have met some really nice people. the people i met the first day i was here were really nice, but they were into something i din't wan tto get involved in. so i decided to try and find a new group of friends, which is where i met the mormon/band geek group. i know it is a wierd combo, but lets just say it is a fun group of people to hang out with. they are always so funny and outgoing. but in this huge group of about 30 people there are 7-8 really close friends that i have gotten to know. brady, tanner, timmy, kendra, julia, zchanae, and courtney. they are extremely funny and really nice. its also nice because i have atleast one of them in every class but spanish, so i get to hang out with them a lot.

but i guess things are going okay. tonight timmy, tanner, brady, kendra, and julia are coming over for a couple of hours to hang out. that should be a lot of fun since i live in a condo. brady and timmy think we should run down to the call box once the gates are close and push random buttons and call people because your phone rings and they thing it would be funny. i think they are insane, but i guess it would be amusing too. so we will see how tonight goes.

for now i think i am going to go. i have so much stuff to get caught up on and i have track in 10 minutes and i know the beginning say i am in bio cause i was for the first 2 paprgraphs the rest i just wrote up. well i will talk to you all later. love ya lots. bye!

mo

okay i just read over the last entry i mad and can understand why it would confuse people. well so on sunday night the guy i liked broke everything off, but then monday night we were talking online and i found out the reason he had was because he listened to what a couple of his friends had been saying (which just to let you know one of them had something with him last year and the other one really really likes him), but anyways he said he felt really bad and he wish he didn't break it off because he still really likes me but he doesn't want to be selfish about it because i am moving in less then a week and he doesn't want me to get hurt. but i still really want to be with him and i said i was willing to take that risk. so we made a promise to be friends no matter what happens and now we are back together. we are just letting things go with the flow and we will see how things work out once i move. but i just have to say i am keeping my fingers crossed. well im out for now. talk to ya'll later.

boys confuse me

okay this is short and sweet i am going to risk it and be with him and we will figure it out from there. at this point in time i personally think guys are stupid, but i like him too much to let him go. even if it means only being with him till next tuesday....im willing to risk it. well i got to go to bed. ill tell ya more later.

mo

Heaven on Earth

I seriously think I have found some place that can be called Heaven on Earth. Wild Horses Canyon is the most amazing place. It is in Eastern Oregon and sits in the middle of no where. It took us 5 1/2 hours to get there but it was worth the drive. We left Albany a little after four and drove up to salem to pick up some of the people that were up there at the basketball game. Once we had met up with them we went to Jack in a Crack for dinner. After we ate we took off for camp. I got to ride in Sten's Hummer and let me tell you that was fun. We got to watch the Spongebob Movie and jam out to music. We also played freeze out, that was interesting.

We got there close to 10:30 and got everything in our room then went to club at 11. For those of you who don't know club is like young lifes equivelent to a youth group session. The speaker there this weekend was an amaing guy. He was the speaker I had when I went to Twin Rocks with young life at the beginning of the school year and he was just as good this time. But it was a late night and I didn't get to bed till close to 3. Then we were all up at 7:30. When we had gotten to camp it was dark and I was tired so I didn't notice the size. Saturday morning when I went outside I saw just how huge the camp was. There is a lake that they have open in the summer with a zip line and a blob, and a pool. They also have this major rope course that is up off the ground and you have never seen a sports center till you go there. It was huge. This building has rock climbing, 3 basketball courts, 3 volleyball courts, several pool tables, couple foosball tables, a relaxing area, and a work out area. It was amazing. The outer perimeter of the camp is about a 3 mile loop. But I figured out a lot about myself this weekend and grew closer to God this weekend. One of the seminars I went to Saturday morning was a girls seminar and it really got to me because it helped me to figure out some stuff on dating and guys. It was just an amazing weekend.

But this weekend I just broke down and talked to two of my leaders for awhile. But we had club so we went to that and I guess my eyes were all blotchy and Steve, who is like my big brother, noticed and while we were waiting to get into clube he just gave me a hug and put his arm around my shoulder and just told me everything would be okay. Then after we had clube we had a prayer thing and then Steve and I went for a walk around part of the edge of the camp. It was nice to just talk to him and see what was going on in his life and to just talk to someone and not be judged by it. We were late to the worship thing that started at 11:15 because we were walking aroung. But I am really glad I walked with him because I felt so much better. But yesterday the ride home was so much fun. David hooked up his iPod and jammed out to everything from 70's music to popular stuff today. It was a lot of fun. But it was sad last night because the Seahaks lost. Not that I am surprised that they did but I was still sad. lol.

But last night pretty much sucked. Last night the guys I have been pretty much dating other then the fact that we hadn't made it official called me last night. Apprently his friends were telling him he changed since we had started hanging out and how he should ask out a junior who really liked him. And he over analyzed it and told me last night that he still likes me but he never meant for things with us to go this far and just wants to stop and that he regrets it. Then after he tells me all this he asked me what I wanted for Valentines. Am I the only one who thinks that is a bit on the mixed signal side of things? But I was in tears all night last night and got like three hours of sleep, but today I went and talked to my counselor and she said that I had two choices, wallow in self pity or be nice to him say everything is good and go on being friends. And it will be hard but that is what I am going to do. I finally talked to him today after school after giving him the cold shoulder all day. But we are going to Valentines this weekend that should be interesting since Jessica and Lee are going with us. But I am crossing my fingers and hoping for the best.

But right now I need to go eat because it is Disco Night tonight at young life and I got my hideous 70's shirt that Steve and I went and got today after school becasue neither one of us had anything. I have to say I love goodwill sometimes. Well I am going to go. Leave me a comment. Love ya all.

wishing you were here right now

this totally contradicts what I last wrote but this is what I am feeling write now so here it is.

well i guess it is just one of those days. things have been going great, but today has been a rough day. i thought i was doing just fine. but i guess this is my off day. i hope i am aloud to have one because all i want is someone i trust to let me just cry.

have you ever just needed a shoulder to cry on? have someone hug you and tell you everything will be all right? have you ever just needed someone who truly cares about you and won't make fun of you later for crying to be there? well that is about where i am at right now. the one person i wish could be here i am afraid i will scare away. i no longer no what to do. i have boxes i have to pack up, which is exactly how i want to spend my next couple of weeks. at this point i am just planning on surrounding myself with the people i care about. because i want a reason to come back. i want to be able to tell people in porltnad about the amazing friends i have in albany. and i want to be able to say that i am going to visit them. i just hope that they will still have time for me. im afraid that i won't be able to fit in anymore......and that scares me more then anything....i can't lose bri, david, ty, and evan. they are my closest friends and they are the people i turn to when something goes wrong. i am afraid what will happen when i leave. but if they really care and i really care about them...then i think it may work out. i plan on talking to them whenever i can and coming to visit as often as i can. i am going to miss them so much. i just wish i knew what they were thinking.......

i am finally seeing the good side

well to say things honestly, i was pretty mad at the world for a couple of weeks. im finally making some really good friends, i'm enjoying school, and things finally feel right. but my mom got a job and now i am moving. and that is okay now. i mean i think that God has a plan for me. and when i thought things could never get any better, they finally did. friday night i went and saw tristan and isolde with brianna, her mom, and my mom. i loved that movie. it was so good, but it is definatley a movie for hopeless romantics like me. then i went cosmic bowling from 11-1. that was a lot more fun then i thought it would be. i only really knew david and jake. kylee is kind of my friends but we aren't likd best friends and so it was kind of odd when she invited me. but i had a good time. but i was so tired afterwards. lol.

but i have to say that yesterday was one of the best days i have ever had. it was just.....i don't know how to explain it. so the guy i really liked finally asked me to go to the movies. and lets just say that made my week look pretty darn good. so david, lee, jessica and i all went and saw the chorincles of narnia. well first we all met up at davids and played scattergories and catch phrase, and a couple of other random games. it was fun. we had pizza for dinner. and then we all went to the movies. it was so much fun. and i am so glad that things are going well. i care about him a lot and im really happy because i finally know for sure that he likes me back. it was just an amazing night.

today i went to church and then we had a leader meeting. that was interesting. brianna was having fun picking out backgrounds. though i have to admit they were pretty funny. well atleast some of them were. but after the meeting i went home and then this evening liz and i went and saw Last Holiday. it was cute. it was really nice to just nag out with her and talk, like after the movie we went and got milkshakes and just sat and talked for a little bit about everything that had been goin gon in out lives. but that movie made both of us thing about what you want to do before you die. because if you really think about it we don't have that much time, so why waste it worrying about things and regretting everything we didn't do. but for now, i am just going to enjoy the life i have.

well i think i am going to stop for now. tomorrow i am heading over to briannas to hang out with tyler, evan, bri, chelsea, and maybe david....i hope. lol. it should be interesting. but for now i am still just so happy about last night. lalalala. lol. well i guess i will talk to all my lovely fans that read this later. love you all and hope life is treating you well. LEAVE ME A COMMENT!! i don't care what you say just do so i feel better. lol. bye bye!

life is the largest rollercoaster you will ever be on

I know it has been awhile since I wrote anything. It has been a hectic couple of weeks. My house went on the market and sold in less then three days. So we have to be out of it on the 15th of Febuary. My mom found a place in West Linn and the excepted the offer on it. And if I have to move then I want to live in there. They have a good school and apprently have a good young life. And just for those who are paying attention and actually read this. I did ask that guy to sadie hawkins and he said yes. lol. I was so happy. But anyways I really hope things work out for the best. But for now I am going to make the best of the time that I have with my friends. I know I will be back, but I also know I won't get to see them as much and I want to enjoy the time I have. So that is what I am going to do for now. Tonight I am going to a movie with and then cosmis bowling really late. Another movie tomorrow night, lol, church and leadership meeting Sunday. Then hang out with Liz, dinner with my godparents sunday. Then monday I don't know what I am going to do yet. Guess I better work on that. But for now I think I am going to go. Love you all and hope everything is going well in your lives. Talk to you all later.

someone

i wish i knew what to say. all i want to do is scream at the top of my lungs till i can't breathe. and then when i start to tink about that all i want to do is cry. cry until i can't cry anymore. until i think i am going to just stop working. but i can't seem to let myself do that. i can't because i don' know who will be there to help me pick all the pieces back up. i don't know who can just hold me and comfort me while i cry. i need to be with someone who will be there with me through all of it. someone that will hold me close and let me drop all the pieces i am trying to hold together. and then help my put them back together again once i am done. someone who won't leave me to figure it out alone. i just wish i knew exactly who that person was. there is one i wish it was, but i am afarid to let my real feelings show because i don't want to scare them away. i care about them too much. now i just need to figure out what to do. because if i don't find that someone soon. then i will be all alone with all the pieces all around me.